Yesterday was a great day for Klal Yisroel. Most of us do not know that the news media is only telling us a fraction of the story. I found out from anonymous reliable sources that this wasn’t stam and that there was a lot that happened within the previous 24 hours that we weren’t told. I got the full scoop and so here I give you the actual story of R. Sholom Rubashkin’s miraculous release:
And it was, at the end of eight years of days, and PharTrump was dreaming and behold he was standing on the Iowa side of the Mississippi. And behold, from the river arose seven glatt kosher beef cattle of pleasant appearance and prime on the rib and they grazed in Postville. And behold another seven treifeh beef cattle arose after them from the river, of poor appearance and short on the rib and they stood next to the first cattle on the bank of the river. And the treifeh beef cattle that were poor in appearance and thin of flanken devoured the seven kosher cattle that were pleasant of appearance and hearty, and PharTrump awoke.
And it was in the morning and his spirit was troubled, and he Twittered and he summoned all his spin doctors and all his wise men and son in law and he told them over his dream and none could interpret it for PharTrump. Then his bartender Papadopoulos spoke up and said, “I must acknowledge my sins today. Before PharTrump blew his top at me, I was hanging around Otisville to check it out in case things went South, me and Steve Bannon. There we met a Hebrew National from Iowa who was an [acquitted] slave[holder] known as the Chief of the Slaughterers. He said he was in because Linda R. Reade, the wife of his master PETAfar, Chief [anti] Executioner for Phara-Oh Bama the Last, had it in for him. We asked him what’s in store for us and he pulled out a book called Igros Kodesh and told us to stick a paper in any page. We did that and he checked the pages and said I would get busted and Steve would get canned. And it was as he predicted so it came to be, I was busted and Steve was hung out to dry.”
And PharTrump sent for and summoned Sholom and they hurried him out of the slammer. He refused to shave but he changed his clothes and he came before PharTrump.
זה היום עשה ה' נגילה ונשמחה בו!
Achaslmaala: This was sent to me as a comment on Zot Chanukah Miracle
Updated per author.