Dear friends,
One of the more challenging parts of the Yamim Noraim (literally days of awe – so much better than High Holidays) is the fact that so much of the language of the prayers is beautiful and evocative, but so far from the language that we speak that it can feel somewhat alien.
In mussaf (try explaining the prayer that substitutes for the sacrifices normally offered on Shabbos and the holidays to your secular friends and relatives (or yourself for that matter) – but more on this later) one of the most dramatic selections is Nasaneh Tokef. It is a prayer that was composed by Rav Amnon.
The following story is recorded in the 13th century commentary Or Zarua, who attributes there Ephraim of Bonn who lived in the late 11 hundreds, who wrote the history of the many tragic stories of Kiddush Hashem in his era and earlier.
He wrote of Rav Amnon of Mainz who had risen to power and was an adviser to the ruler of Mainz. Various members of the court who were jealous of his success (how rare...) brought about a situation in which the ruler pressured the Rav to convert to Christianity as proof of his loyalty.
As a delaying tactic Rav Amnon requested three days to consider the offer; immediately he intensely regretted giving even the pretense that he could possibly accept a foreign religion.
After spending the three days in prayer, he refused to come to the archbishop as promised, and, when he was forcibly brought to the archbishop's palace, he begged that his tongue be cut out to atone for his sin. Instead, the archbishop ordered his hands and legs amputated — limb by limb — as punishment for not obeying his word to return after three days and for refusing to convert.
At each amputation, Rabbi Amnon was again given the opportunity to convert, which he refused. He was sent home, with his severed extremities, on a knight's shield.
As he lay dying, Rabbi Amnon asked to be carried into the shul on Rosh Hashanah were recited the prayer Nasaneh Tokef that he had composed. He appeared in a dream to Rabbi Kalonymus ben Meshullam (died 1096), one of the great scholars and liturgists of Mainz, and begged him to transcribe the prayer and to see that it was included in the text of the High Holiday services.
Thus, the story concludes, Untanneh Tokef became a part of the standard liturgy. The prayer and story are authentic. They were found in the Cairo Geniza and in other early manuscripts.
One of the lines is that we go before Hashem to be examined to see what fate each of us will experience in the coming year “kivnei maron”. What does this phrase mean? The Talmud gives three possible explanations. One is like sheep who pass the rod of the shepherd as he counts out ten for the purpose of tithing the sheep. A second is that it is similar to walking up steps and counting each one.
A final possibility is like the way King Dovid’s soldiers were counted. All three opinions agree on one thing; we are counted individually. Rav Baruch Rosenbaum, one of today’s leading public speakers, known for wide and expert sourcing, asks the obvious question. If it means one at a time, why not just say, “one at a time” instead of using an obscure phrase, bnei maron, and then asking what benei maron means? He points out something very deep.
Some of us are like sheep. If you were a lamb, what exactly would you be doing at this moment? What is your dream? You probably would be in a pasture eating grass. Your dream would be to have endless grass, water, shade, and a kind shepherd to guide you.
If you are the sheep type, you basically want to be free of financial stress, secure and tranquil in your knowledge that you have nothing to worry about – you are fixed for the future. If this is you (and no one will know – after all you are just reading so there is no need for being defensive), the main focus of your prayers on Rosh Hashanah would be material security.
Others are compared to someone walking up stairs. The step you are standing on this Rosh Hashanah is not a bad one – there is nothing really wrong with it, but you want to go higher. Better tefillah – the kind in which you are really connected. Better relationships – the ones that are genuine, growth oriented and hallmarked by authentic love. Better learning – more information, more depth.
There are still others who are the soldiers in Hashem’s army, who are ready to die if that what was called for. Of course, a soldier has material needs – if you are hungry or sick you can’t fight, but you are absolutely devoted.
If you happen to be a sheep don’t worry too much. There are reasons that you may have to concern yourself with money as unglamorous as it seems. Kosher food is expensive. Keeping a family going is expensive, especially if someone is in kollel or in chinuch. Tuition is a killer. What all of these very real worries have in common is that they are part of your path in serving Hashem. They aren’t the entire story of your life, not your entire path through, but enough to have you ask the Master for the means to serve Him.
Personally, I think that many of you are walking the ladder. Each step demands that you move on. It’s easy to close your eyes to the next step’s existence and just enjoy the view from whichever step is the one upon which you find yourself. You may feel content (which often is a good thing, so watch out!) but you also lose the exhilaration of using the spiritual version of adrenalin.
A few of us are soldiers, the kind who can stand on his feet for the entire davening and come home barely mobile from exhaustion but do the same the next day with simchah. The kind who doesn’t have a secret agenda when calling the Rav – one in which the words you want to hear are “it’s kosher” or “muttar” – any outcome or answer is equally good.
Part of living meaningfully during the days of tshuvah is figuring out which kind of bnei maron you are, which you want to be, and most of all feeling great great thankfulness to the One who gives you eternity and meaning in every aspect of your life.
When you do this and use the time when Hashem gives you the power to meet Him, more than at every time, you yourself are in some ways like the sacrifices that were once offered. Your material life, your strivings and your identity are gifts you give Him in return for His giving you everything that you have and everything that you are.
Gmar chatima tovah and love,
Tziporah
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