This week's Torah class is about Shevna, one of the great Torah scholars who went rogue that they don't teach you about in yeshiva. As usual, there are lessons and inspiration for our times. The recording is available here.
Speaking of Torah scholars going rogue, today we did a special episode of our Amalek and Erev Rav program devoted to Asher Weiss's recent presentation at the Chemed conference. At the end I provided numerous Torah sources debunking his unfounded claim that the Torah demands us to have "faith" in doctors, and that this is how it always was. Not for the faint of heart or people who ate too much cholent. The recording is available here.
Here is another new article in celebration of 20 years since I started EndTheMadness. I have one more in mind for now. If you enjoy my articles on the shidduch world, you can read all the previous ones at chananyaweissman.com.
Because I give away all this material, most people won't buy my two books on the subject (why pay for something when you can get 99% for free anyway?) but the books are unique and well worth it, if I say so myself.
Rav Moshe Feinstein on Waiting for an Older Sibling
There are many norms in the shidduch world today that are antithetical to the Torah, but one that stands out is the notion that a younger sibling should delay getting married if they have an unmarried older sibling. This one is such a no-brainer that the chapter I devoted to it in EndTheMadness Guide to the Shidduch World is barely a page long. I wrote as follows:
- We often hear that girls with older sisters who are unmarried will refrain from dating indefinitely (this is less common among single brothers). This is a nice gesture but otherwise incomprehensible. Again, this mindset flies in the face of good judgment that we employ in all other aspects of our lives. If two siblings are unemployed, they will not let age factor into their individual searches. If two married siblings are childless, the younger one will not delay having children so things can work out with perfect neatness.
The only support for this idea comes from Lavan, who was not exactly a role model. Although Chazal do derive from here that it is appropriate for a father to marry off his eldest daughter first (Kiddushin 64b, Mishnah, and Tosfos 52a) it is by no means an obligation — certainly not if doing so would hurt the prospects of the other daughters. Furthermore, this concept is primarily directed at parents looking out for the needs of young children, and certainly not adult children themselves.
Adults have a responsibility to get married when they are ready and to pursue good opportunities. To pressure or even compel younger siblings to wait is to deny a human being a basic need that could have devastating consequences down the road. It is nothing short of cruel and immoral.
Besides, when we are dealing with a “shidduch crisis,” we shouldn’t be looking for reasons to prevent people from getting married, or for more restrictions in how people meet and court. The attitude of some people just boggles the mind.
No one needs to ask permission from an older sibling (especially when they intend to date regardless), nor should they apologize for doing what they are supposed to do. They should certainly be sensitive and not exacerbate the pain of their older sibling in any way, but some pain is natural and normal. Life is not about running away from pain. The older sibling needs to just deal with it.
I wrote these words in 2013, and was unaware at the time that Rav Moshe Feinstein had already addressed this head-on in Igros Moshe Even HaEzer 2:1. If people will not listen to me, no matter how sensible and Torah-based my arguments, let them listen to Rav Moshe. If they will not listen to Rav Moshe, they should stop writing anonymous letters to the editor whining about the shidduch world. They willfully brought it upon themselves — it wasn't a gezeira from Hashem — and they deserve scorn, not pity.
Rav Moshe responded to a question about a young man who found a suitable shidduch, but he had an unmarried older brother who would be distressed if he got married first. The father of the prospective bride wasn't keen on waiting for the older brother to find someone. Was the younger brother allowed to proceed with the shidduch, and was his own father allowed to assist him with this in the usual fashion?
Rav Moshe wrote as follows (note: he specifically said there is no reason to distinguish between brothers or sisters in this regard):
It is obvious, in my humble opinion, that even lechatchila the younger brother may marry a woman even though his older brother did not find a woman to marry, for he is obligated to marry a woman, and how is it appropriate for him not to fulfill his obligation simply because his older brother has not fulfilled his own?
Even if the latter has not done so through no fault of his own, that he has not met one who is suitable for him, nevertheless it is inappropriate that because of this his younger brother should cancel his own mitzvah for an unknown, indefinite amount of time. This is especially so when the father of the woman who was arranged for the younger brother doesn't want to wait...and if he does not [marry her soon] it will be called off, and this is an appropriate shidduch. Certainly he should not lose out on something so important because of this.
Rav Moshe makes it crystal clear that one should not delay fulfilling his personal obligations or risk losing an appropriate shidduch simply because his older sibling is still unmarried, even if the latter is not to blame for his predicament.
Apologists for the status quo might argue that Hashem would not send the younger sibling “the right one” before the older sibling is taken care of, or that Hashem would cause the younger sibling to lose out by forfeiting this opportunity, but they have no right to make such a claim — which is really just pseudo-bitachon — especially at the devastating expense to others.
Rav Moshe Feinstein doesn't even entertain such a possibility. You have a mitzvah to do now, you do it. You have an opportunity to marry someone suitable, you don't blow it.
(continued Part 2)
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