Today is Rosh Chodesh Av – the beginning of the 9 days leading to and culminating with Tisha B’Av. The number nine recalls the months of anticipation before birth. In this case, it seems the opposite – each day takes us closer to the day that was as close to spiritual death as you can come to while still staying alive.
Maharal points out that the number nine is the highest number you can use before starting a new unit, and when you think about it is the furthest from the unity and potential that the number 1 hints at, without entrance to a new and higher unity.
This week of parshat Dvarim. The word “Dvarim” means “words”; in this case, they are the words that Moshe spoke to us before his death. They were words of endearment; they were words in which he chose to focus on the grave and tragic decisions that we made as a people during the years in the desert. This doesn’t sound like endearment on the surface. Ramban tells us that they were not only Moshe’s words, but Hashem’s words spoken by Moshe out of love and out of belief in our potentials.
SOME DEEP STUFF, AND THEN BACK TO REAL LIFE
We really have no honest way to describe Hashem. All words create borders and limitations. If I were to tell you, for instance, that I am using a computer to write this letter, I am simultaneously telling you that I am not using a pen, or sending smoke signals, or writing in vanilla ice cream against my windowsill. That’s why the Hebrew word dvar also means “thing” or object. Hashem has no borders, no description that won’t be the artificial imposition of borders and limits where there are no borders or limits.
Our problem is that we can’t think without words. The Torah provides us with words that tell us what Hashem does and what He said, and that is as far as we can reach without self-deception. Among the mitzvos of the torah are some that seem almost impossible to keep, among them “Cleave to Him” and “Walk in His ways”.
How can we do that if we don’t really grasp His being? The answer is that we can weave bonds of connection to Him, because our souls share something of His indescribable infinity. How do you do this? By finding ways to generate ways to mirror His traits.
Be kind (after all, everything you see, hear, touch, experience, and is a gift). Have mercy (after all there is no way to keep the relationship equal, but He doesn’t destroy you when you close doors. He gives you new doors to open). When you chose to walk this path, (which needs first of all at least some devotion to learning what the path actually is, and then willingness to be a giver), this bond is strengthened.
At that time, you enter a state called Gadlut d’Mochin, having an expanded mind, one that includes Hashem whether you are doing what can be called a religious act (giving tzedakah, becoming a Partner for Torah) or something as ordinary as eating a piece of pizza. At times, Gadlut D’Mochin is a consequence of choice, but sometimes it’s a free gift, moments of inspiration that hit you with unforgettable force, for instance a moment of passionate inspiration at the kotel.
What happens when you don’t?
You develop a case of what is called, “Katnut D’Mochin”, having a contracted mindset, in which Hashem’s presence is buried under fear, self-hatred, feeling overwhelmed by life, and more. It too is often the result of choices, but it too, like Gadlut D’Mochin at times is a gift (a gift? Yes!) From Hashem. The only reason for allowing Katnut D’Mochin is to challenge you to struggle and pray, and move forward so that the Gadlut D’Mochin not only emerges, but when it emerges it is more totally your own than anything else you can ever own.
BACK TO WHAT WE LAUGHINGLY CALL THE “REAL WORLD”
We had major moments of failure during the time we spent in the desert. But at the end of the 40 years we were still alive, moving forward, and that tells you something about what Hashem sees in us. He sees potential where we only see actuality. He gives us the means of getting beyond the obstacles that we create. He purifies us, forgives us and continues to give us life time after time. Another word for Katnut D’Mochin is exile.
The spark of Divinity is never gone but may be covered by so many layers of Other that it is almost mute. This is also called Galut Ha’Shechina. And of course, another word for its time of revelation is geulah. Not just national redemption, but geulat Ha’Shechina, the rediscovery of Hashem within us.
As you are
As we are
Even when you are lost in the forest
Even when you talk about returning to Egypt as you stand right in front of the Yam Suf
Even as we read about Iran’s war-mongering
And realize that the story isn’t over.
It just began…
Love,
Tziporah
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