about their alter ego:
[sing another tune if ... want to get married]
Jerusalem Etiquette
Don’t:
-Talk loudly on your pelephones about nothing. If you must do so, at least make sure to slowly and clearly, enunciate every syllable, list off your fathers’ bank accounts so I, too, can enjoy unlimited cakes from Moishy’s Bakery.
-Wear Crocs in public. This is NOT cool, and does not fit in with the Bas Melech image your teachers will be attempting to teach you over the next year.
-Daven mincha on the street because shkiah “just…happened” and you have no place to daven. Either watch your watch, like we do, or don’t daven. As much as it may pain you to learn this, females are not bound by time-related commandments.
-Loudly barter with the shopkeeper as if he were deaf in your Americanized Harry-ess Ivrit that you think you’re proficient in. You’re not. Either learn and speak the language with the local accent, or stick with the English you don’t know. Trust me, the locals understand your English better than your Ivrit.
-Feel the need to litter the entire Yerushalayim with the yellow/purple/clear plastic/paper cups that you just got from Fro-Yo or Sams or Mitzei Uri. It’s nice that you enjoy them, and it’s wonderful that you’re supporting local merchants and all, but really, what about recycling?
-Rave about Rabbi O.....’s shiur last night that is definitely, positively, OMG OMG gonna change your life. We all know it won’t. And if really was such a life changer, you wouldn’t still be sipping that Mitz Pri as you stroll down Yechezkel. Only ..... eat/drink in the street. Not people. Or even sem girls.
-Feel like you have to go to the M....’s, the Blind Couple, and every other chavayah during your stay here. You can still be Jewish without going to those people. I know, because I still am.
-Use the default ringer on your Disposa-phone that came with your seminary’s suggested student plan. Hashem gave you kids all that creativity and individuality to be able to create all those plays and singa-thons and dances and whatever. Express it. If I hear that la-di-dah-di-dah one more time I may just…
-Feel obligated to take over Sam's Bagels between 1-4 every afternoon. How about just ordering your food and taking it back to your dorm, huh? I’ll arrange for the teenaged Israeli shibob with the knockoff UnderArmour spray shirt to give you an oversized bag so everyone will know you went…M’kay?
-Be scared to take Arab taxis. Your seminary Giveret is bluffing you. The story about the girls who took one once and…yeah. It never happened. Sorry, I know Israel is much more exciting that way, but…
-Buy leather-bound Tehillims/Siddurim for all of your cousins/aunts/uncles. That creativity thing? Again, demonstrate.
-And finally,under NO circumstances are you to enter 'Pitzuchei Moshiach'. PM is a male-only establishment. Aside from the narrow aisle issue, PM is just…well…sacred. Don’t defile it. Go to any one of the other fine nut houses.
So welcome to our town. Geulah is our turf. You can have Har Nof, Sortozkin, Minchas Yitzchak, Ramat Eshkol, and the other shchunos. But Geulah is our turf. We own it.
So adios, and seeya back in America,
Your alter ego has spoken, or has "extremism" entered the innocence of youth? Yes, sometimes inappropriate behavior, but youth is not wasted on the young, but may be wasted on the poor, ignorant (of what 'girls' and future 'mothers' are) narrowed appreciation for Hashem's "other" human creation.
[PS I really thought this was somewhat cute]
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