WITHSTANDING TRIALS
“And Sarah died in Kiryas Arba …” (23:2).
Rashi quotes the Medrash that Sarah’s soul departed after hearing that Yitzchak had been prepared for slaughter, and she died before having been informed that in the end he had in fact been saved from the Akeidah (see Sifsei Chachamim). Why was Sarah so distressed about the news of the Akeidah? She was on a higher level of prophecy than Avraham, and her whole life had been dedicated to keeping mitzvos, so why would she not have been as willing to give up her son at Hashem’s request as Avraham had been?
Our forefathers and foremothers knew that they were the pillars and prototypes for all future generations of the Jewish nation and that their own experiences would be replicated time and again in the lives of their descendants. When Sarah heard about the Akeidah, in which two righteous and holy individuals had to endure a terribly difficult trial, she realized that, in the future, even her most righteous descendants would also have to endure extremely challenging experiences, such as the many persecutions that the nation in fact suffered over the succeeding millennia, and that not even the tears and supplications of the angels could avert these events (see Rashi on 27:1). She thus began to cry ceaselessly, wondering whether her descendants would be able to withstand such enormous tests, until her soul departed due to her great distress.
MARTYDOM
Alternatively, the Maggid Meisharim says that the Beis Yosef, Rav Yosef Karo, was promised by the maggid (angelic teacher) that he would merit dying a martyr’s death al Kiddush Hashem. Towards the end of his life, when he was already well into his 80s, the Beis Yosef expressed his surprise to the maggid that even though he had put into practice all the preparations that the maggid had taught him for the purpose of meriting this form of death, it had not yet happened. The maggid responded that he should not be upset since he had merited an even greater mitzvah than a martyr’s death: he had dedicated himself completely, day in and day out, to fulfilling the Will of the Creator. Dying a martyr's death, as great a mitzvah as it is, only consists of a one-time act of self-dedication, but you, he told him, have performed endless acts of self-dedication throughout your life.
Similarly, Sarah was distressed that her son had had to die al Kiddush Hashem (as she understood from the messenger), so that he would be in a situation where he would no longer be able to sanctify Hashem's name in this world, and would consequently no longer be able to achieve a higher level of Kiddush Hashem than he could by being offered up on the altar. Her soul departed from shock and distress upon hearing this, at the thought that the whole of Klal Yisroel had suffered a grievous loss in light of the fact that Yitzchak would no longer be able to be mekadesh Hashem in this world.
Rav Sternbuch was with Rav Dessler during World War II when Rav Dessler heard about the fate of his fellow Kelmers.
(See Rav Dessler’s letter to his son in Michtav M’Eliyahu, which describes their martyrdom.)
Rav Dessler asked how this could have been considered an incident of Kiddush Hashem, since they had not been given the choice of saving their lives by abandoning their religion or transgressing a commandment. He answered that since they had not attributed their deaths to natural causes or complained that Hashem had abandoned them, but had rather accepted the Divine decree lovingly and gone to their deaths with the feeling that this was Hashem’s Will, and that they were performing it, they had sanctified the Divine Name because Kiddush Hashem means acting for the sake of Hashem’s honor.
Based on this, we may suggest that by agreeing to be bound on the mizbeach, Yitzchak had demonstrated his willingness to give up his life for the sanctification of the Divine Name with joy and complete faith, and Sarah could therefore not understand why Yitzchak actually needed to die, since the act of Kiddush Hashem had already been accomplished by the very fact that he had joyfully consented to die Al Kiddush Hashem.
NO GRABBING
“And Avraham weighed out the silver for Efron” (23:16).
Efron in this pasuk is spelled without a vav. The Medrash applies the following pasuk in Mishlei (28:22) to Efron: “He who has an evil eye which hastens after riches and does not know that want shall come upon him.” Efron did not realize that his attempt to overcharge Avraham so much would result not only in the loss of the unlawful gain, but also in many other losses.
When Rav Sternbuch was a child, Rav Elchonon Wasserman once came to his family for a Shabbos meal. Rav Sternbuch's mother, who had been left a widow with nine young children, asked Rav Wasserman the following: “I have to have trust in Hashem, but, on the other hand, I have to make a living to support my children, and doing that takes up a lot of my time. What am I supposed to do?”
Rav Elchonon responded that he could not tell her how much time to spend on her work, but one thing he could tell her: there is no chapping (grabbing) in this world, and someone who imagines that by working harder he will earn more and be happier is only deluding himself. Even if he does, in fact, make money, he may end up losing it, along with his other possessions, his wife or children may suffer health problems, etc., so that it will turn out that his chapping got him nowhere. Whatever is meant to be his will become his in any case, and the main thing is always to bear in mind that we are on the way to our eternal existence, and have to prepare ourselves for that, instead of trying to grab some illusory, ephemeral benefits. Rav Elchonon concluded by telling Mrs. Sternbuch that she should do whatever she had to do to make a living, without forgetting that her main duties were always in spiritual matters, in leading a life of Torah, and in educating each child in the path of Torah, day in and day out.
SHABBOS WITH RAV MORDECHAI POGRAMANSKY
“And Avraham said to his servant, the elder of his house, who ruled over all that was his, ’Please place your hand under my thigh ...’” (24:2).
The pasuk mentions in this context that Eliezer had free rein over Avraham’s property. This brings home the point that although Avraham trusted Eliezer completely with regard to his material assets, when it came to spiritual matters, such as finding a spouse for Yitzchak, he did not rely on him. Rather, he insisted that Eliezer take an oath not to take a wife for Yitzchak from the inhabitants of Canaan.
Rav Sternbuch recalls the time when he was visiting Rav Mordechai Pogramansky in Paris in the 1940s after the War. It was Erev Shabbos and Rav Sternbuch told Rav Pogramansky that he had met a chareidi-looking Jew, who had told him that although he could not sell him meat for Shabbos, since there was nothing available of a sufficiently high kashrus standard, he could sell him some fish, grape juice and challot. Rav Sternbuch asked Rav Pogramansky whether he could rely on this person and buy food from him. Rav Pogramansky responded by asking Rav Sternbuch whether he would entrust this stranger with a large sum of money. Rav Sternbuch replied that he was not sure. Rav Pogramansky answered, “Well, when it comes to spiritual matters we have to be even more careful about trusting other people!”
In practice, if something is very important to a person, he deals with it himself. For example, he will not let anyone else run his business. When it comes to material matters, one often does not trust anyone else, but when it comes to significant spiritual issues such as insisting on the best hechsher or educating children, some people willingly compromise on their kashrus standards, or entrust their children’s education to others, without taking sufficient interest in their children’s spiritual situations.
Rav Pogramansky concluded by telling Rav Sternbuch that he should not buy from that person, but rather join him for the Shabbos meals. During that Shabbos, Rav Sternbuch had the privilege of witnessing Rav Pogramansky’s exacting standards. He would check the kashrus of every food and drink before partaking of them. He would not eat ordinary bread, fearing that it had been touched by someone who had not done Al Netilat Yadayim. He would not eat fish in case it had worms, and would only eat fruit if he was sure that it was not from Eretz Yisroel because of terumos, ma’asros, and orlah. He would not drink grape juice in case it had been touched by someone with heretical views, and therefore asked Rav Sternbuch to help him squeeze grapes on Friday to make grape juice for Kiddush. During Shabbos, Rav Sternbuch noticed how particular his host was about borer, not just with regard to food but also with regard to utensils, clothes and books. Rav Pogramansky feared sin as much as the Angel of Death!
BAALEI TESHUVA
“Please place your hand under my thigh.” (24:2)
Since Eliezer was not born into a home of kedushah, the evil inclination had an especially strong hold on him and fought him about all sorts of matters. Therefore, Avraham was afraid that the evil inclination would overcome him and convince him not to travel a great distance, but rather take a wife from Canaan for Yitzchak. That is why Avraham insisted that Eliezer take an oath, so that he would be forced to overcome his yetzer hara and fulfil his master’s wishes.
Sometimes a ba’al teshuvah is on a higher level than a Jew born into a religious home because he has to overcome many trials. We therefore have to draw ba’alei teshuvah close to us, since they are people of great courage.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN SHADDUCHIM
“She . . . will be the one whom you have determined for your servant, Yitzchak” (24:14).
The Brisker Rav once noted that the efforts we put into finding a partner do not always seem to bear fruit, and the real zivug appears like a lost object at the appropriate time. On the other hand, he also noted that Eliezer did not rely on the miracles he experienced on the way, such as a kefitzas haderech, in order to determine whether this was indeed Yitzchak’s zivug. Instead, he made a point of examining thoroughly whether Rivkah’s acts of chesed were on a sufficiently high level for his master’s son. We too must surely examine the middot of any potential marriage partner as much as possible.
The Chazon Ish told Rav Sternbuch that the main quality to look for in a girl is that she should be easygoing and not stubborn, since such a character trait can cause a marriage to fail. Eliezer, too, only checked what Rivkah’s middot were like, rather than her hashkafot or yiras Shamayim, for example, because her conduct proved that she had a yielding nature and would therefore be likely to follow her righteous husband’s path and views.
Furthermore, choosing a wife is a decision which is decisive for a person’s future in this world and the next, and, unfortunately, sometimes a girl wants to marry a ben Torah like all her friends but, in practice, wants her husband to spend time with her after the wedding going out for entertainment and the like, so that his time is taken away from his meleches Shamayim, until he eventually loses his superior qualities as a talmid chacham or even a ben Torah. Therefore, in these matters, one cannot rely on rumours, and one must rather examine very carefully whether the girl intends to genuinely dedicate herself to Torah.
DATING
“And she said, ‘Drink, my lord.’ And she hastened and lowered her pitcher to her hand, and she gave him to drink” (24:18).
This shidduch took place with great speed. As the Brisker Rav points out, even though Eliezer only reached Aram Naharayim towards evening, before sunset he prayed, “Please cause to happen to me today” (24:12), i.e. that Hashem should arrange matters so that he would find the shidduch already before sunset that very same day. Tzaddikim treat shidduchim with great alacrity. Hence, when Rivkah hastened to lower her pitcher, that was proof that she was a worthy wife for Yitzchak, because speed and a lack of obstacles are signs of a true zivug.
Both long engagement periods and too many meetings during the engagement period should be avoided (Rav Sternbuch is also very opposed to having many dates in the period before the engagement). People think that these meetings are conducive for a better relationship after marriage, but, in reality, in addition to modesty-related problems that can arise during such meetings, they can also be harmful to the relationship between the couple. Every person has drawbacks and deficiencies that only become noticeable once one gets to know him or her better. In the marital situation a couple can usually deal with this, and sort things out between themselves, but before marriage this can lead to unnecessary tensions. Therefore, it is better to keep the engagement period as short as possible and to only meet at irregular intervals.
MELAMDIM
“And he said, ’I am Avraham's servant’” (24:34).
Eliezer was not merely Avraham’s servant, he “ruled over all his belongings” (see above: 24:2). Why did Eliezer choose to refer to himself by a more modest title? In reality, “Avraham’s servant” is the most honorable title he could have chosen for himself, because serving Avraham and assisting him was a much greater merit than ruling over all his belongings, and that is why Eliezer introduced himself using such a title.
To be meshamesh a tzaddik or talmid chacham seems a less honorable task than helping him in other ways, but, in truth, it is the greatest privilege, and someone fortunate enough to hold such a position should be proud of it, not embarrassed.
On a similar note, Rav Moshe Schneider told Rav Sternbuch that when people started to treat cheder rebbes with contempt in Lithuania, Rav Yitzchak Elchonon Spector started signing his name “Yitzchak Elchonon – melamed” in order to boost the morale of the melamdim. When he was asked how he could humiliate himself like that, he replied simply that “Hashem also refers to Himself as a melamed, as we say in the Birkat HaTorah: ‘who teaches (melamed) Torah to His nation Yisroel’, and what could bring greater honor to a person than emulating Hashem? I am happy to have such an honorable title”.
BENEFITING FROM THE IGNORANT
“I will not eat until I have spoken my words” (24:33).
On the plain level, Eliezer did not want to eat before saying what he wanted, since he was worried that after eating, he would feel an emotional connection with his hosts and would feel bribed into thinking that this was a good shidduch. That is why he wanted to talk about the shidduch first before eating.
Alternatively, the Gemara says in Sanhedrin (52b), “How is the talmid chacham looked upon by the ignorant (am ha’aretz)? At first, he appears to him like a golden jug (Rashi: whilst the talmid chacham is still behaving honourably, and does not need the am ha’aretz, the talmid chacham is dear in the eyes of the am ha’aretz); if he holds a conversation with him, he appears like one of silver; and if he accepts a benefit from him, he appears like one made of clay, which, once broken, cannot be mended. Here too, Eliezer refused to obtain any benefit from Betuel and Lavan before speaking, since he was concerned that if he were to benefit from them, he would lose his esteem in the eyes of these amei ha’aratz.
LEAVING THE BEIS HAMEDRASH FOR WEDDINGS
“And Yitzchak was on his way, coming from Be'er Lachai Ro'i” (24:62).
Rav Moshe Shmuel Shapira brings in the name of Rabbeinu Avraham ben HaRambam that the Torah mentions this detail to teach us that it was only because the time had come anyway for Yitzchak to return from Be'er Lachai Ro'i (where he engaged in his avodas Hashem) that he could go to meet his kallah, since this involved no bittul Torah or tefillah. Otherwise, he would not have gone to meet her.
A ben Torah can only burgeon into a gadol beTorah if he is completely immersed in his learning and does not spend time even going to weddings.
Rav Sternbuch’s Rosh Yeshivah, Rav Moshe Schneider, would only allow a limited number of bachurim to participate at their friends’ weddings. Even if the chatan urged his friends to come so that his simchah would be complete, Rav Schneider would still not let more than a limited number of boys go. He explained that although it was a big mitzvah to be mesameach a chatan, the departure of a large group of bachurim from the Beis HaMedrash would weaken the learning of the remaining boys, thereby causing a public bittul Torah. Consequently, the mitzvah of being mesameach a chatan and kallah does not override the mitzvah of Talmud Torah derabbim.
MATCHMAKING
“And Yitzchak was on his way, coming from Be'er Lachai Ro'i” (24:62). Rashi: He had gone to bring Hagar to Avraham, his father, that Avraham could marry her.
Perhaps the reason that Yitzchak went specifically at this point in time to bring Hagar to his father is that he was forbidden to leave Eretz Yisroel since he had the status of an olah temimah (a complete burnt offering). Hence, he could not leave the country to look for a wife himself, and therefore Avraham was forced to send Eliezer instead. However, Yitzchak wanted to take whatever steps he could on his own to help himself, so he went to arrange a shidduch for his father, in order to arouse merits in Shamayim for a good shidduch for himself. Hashem’s conduct works measure for measure. The effort one expends to help a fellow Jew in a particular area arouses merits in Heaven, enabling him to obtain the same benefit for himself from Hashem.
Yitzchak thereby taught us that if someone wants to find a zivug for himself or his children, he should endeavor to help others find theirs, and thereby obtain merits in Heaven to find an appropriate zivug for himself or his children.
Moreover, Rav Sternbuch heard from the late Belzer Rebbe, Rav Aharon, that looking for shidduchim for others is a segulah for meriting worthy children. This appears to be because a person helping others to build a Jewish home, will also be privileged to establish his own home based on foundations of Torah and yirah, by having worthy children. A shadchan is privileged to fulfill the mitzvah of tzedakah, because it says in Parashas Re’eh, “If there will be among you a needy person, from one of your brothers in one of your cities … you shall lend him sufficient for his needs, which he is lacking” (15:7-8), on which Rashi comments, “What is lacking for him? This refers to a wife (i.e., you should help him marry a wife)”.
The Chazon Ish was very involved in shidduchim, and Rav Sternbuch heard that during the last year of his life, he helped establish 100 (some say 200) Jewish homes.
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