Rabbi Weissman

 

Just Follow the Script 

Chapter 5 of EndtheMadness Guide to the Shidduch World

This comment is a bit late, but I have no doubt it will be relevant again before too long. We came full circle this Pesach. Jews were trapped in Israel by the seed of Amalek, allowed to leave the country only in small numbers, with great difficulty and expense, according to the whims of their masters, while Ben Gurion airport was taken over by the American military and the IDF. “Let my people go” took on a new meaning.

Until the next round of Raging Lions, Redemption Reflux, or Two More Weeks to Victory, enjoy Ceasefire, a made for TV drama.

And now, chapter 5 of EndtheMadness Guide to the Shidduch World:

Just Follow the Script

Change #3: Dates are scripted, supervised, and otherwise controlled. 

It wasn’t this way a generation ago, even in most segments of the “Torah protector” world. The main concern was ensuring that singles met for purposes of marriage and not frivolity. Once this was accomplished, they enjoyed more leeway in arranging their dates and going through the dating process. 

Not anymore. Today the actual dating process looks like this in most of the “Torah protector” circles. The shadchan arranges the time and place of the date and conveys this information to the parents. The singles meet at the location of the date (as opposed to the guy picking up the girl) and part ways there at the conclusion of the date (as opposed to the guy escorting the girl home). At the conclusion of the date both parties are entirely noncommittal about their desire or lack thereof to continue seeing one another, and will communicate thenceforth only with their parents or the shadchan until an additional date is negotiated (and it is generally very much a negotiation). 

Strictly formal attire is required for the date, though that is the only aspect of the date that will consist of any particular class. For the boy this obviously includes his Shabbos black hat. Dates will normally be conducted in hotel lobbies, where comfortable seating is available at no cost and which are not inherently impure environments, like cafés. A popular alternative is the living room of a neutral third party who lends their premises for the occasion as an act of chesed. (This has the added advantage of completely eliminating the possibility of immoral behavior, which is only absurd but not impossible if singles met somewhere without supervision.)

Singles are prepped on what to talk about, what questions to ask, and how to respond to the anticipated questions. Typically they will talk about their family members and try to portray them in a neutral yet flawless and impressive fashion. Since both the questions and the responses are rehearsed, judgments of one another are based primarily on inferences and deductions from how the actors play their respective roles. 

The goal of the boy is to exhibit his love of Torah and his aptitude for it, while somehow demonstrating that he stands out despite being a perfect conformist—in short, that he is a “great catch.” As part of this, at some point they will go for a stroll during which the boy will deliver a complex Talmudic lecture that the girl will pretend to be interested in. (How well she pretends is a strong indication of how interested she is in the guy, yet few guys seem to be aware of this. If the girl strolls along with her arms folded and a vacant look the guy will continue his discourse in complete oblivion. It’s a comical sight indeed.) 

The goal of the girl is to appear beautiful yet unassuming, demonstrate her love for Hashem, her desire to support her husband’s learning, and to generally appear extremely capable of running a home and taking care of her future husband while not appearing “too smart” in a way that would threaten his self-confidence and leadership role. 

After the date both sides will posture and jockey for leverage. They will necessarily find something about the other party to be “concerned” about to demonstrate that they are in control and a great “catch” that does not need to chase anyone. Each will try to turn the tables on the other until either the shidduch is terminated or they settle on being reasonably satisfied and willing to continue the process. At this point another date will be arranged for the boy and girl and the next chapter in the script rehearsed. 

If this script reaches the third chapter, the shidduch is then deemed to be “serious” and a marriage proposal will be no more than a few chapters away. The stage of the relationship in the “Torah protector” world is determined not by the actual quality of the relationship, or even the existence of one, but by how many meetings have been negotiated. These are the main hurdles that need to be crossed. If everyone in this mad play can stand one another long enough to make it through enough meetings and all the negotiations in between, then this is a good shidduch. 

One other interesting change in the script is that the entire process is conducted under a veil of secrecy from all those but the actors in the play. A girl’s face will turn white if she is spotted on a date by someone who knows her. This is for two reasons. First, being seen with a boy is inherently shameful (and until recently in her life an unthinkable crime), even if it is for purposes of marriage. Second, if all the obstacles before an actual meeting have already been overcome, it must already be somewhat “serious.” 

But in reality the girl is particularly uncomfortable and has no feelings whatsoever for the person she is with. She certainly doesn’t want someone she knows getting the impression that she is about to get engaged to this person and then gossiping about her dating escapades. Consequently, girls are particularly sensitive to meeting in places where someone who knows them might see them. Guys are less bothered by this, unless the girl they are with is unattractive, since that hurts their reputation as a good “catch.”

What all this nuttiness was meant to achieve: Controlling as much of the dating process as possible to prevent sexual behavior before marriage; expedite the road to the wedding; prevent immature young people from marrying the wrong person. 

How this has backfired: The “Torah protector” world has done an excellent job of ensuring that men and women on shidduch dates do not engage in inappropriate behavior before the wedding. Such conduct is virtually unheard of— inappropriate behavior in this world generally occurs only after the wedding or by dropouts from this society who rebel against all the restrictions. 

They have also done a remarkable job of ensuring that singles do not date “just for fun.” Fun is the last adjective young men and women would associate with dating.

Turning the dating process into a script creates a culture where the goal is to succeed not by developing one’s inner self and finding a partner who is truly compatible, but by airbrushing one’s outer self to better play the expected role. It is much like high school and college students trying to pad their résumé with things that sound impressive but have little intrinsic value or relevance to the person, or an educational system that encourages preparing for a test (and learning all manner of tricks to beat the test) as opposed to truly educating. 

Only here the stakes could be a lifetime of misery. 

Expediting the road to the wedding by condensing the dating process forces singles to agree to marriage without having first developed a real relationship with the person they are marrying, without even truly knowing them. In their desire to prevent the opposite extreme—endless dating and indecision—the “Torah protector” society has dismissed the value of a relationship process and declared that this process is either overestimated, can occur after the wedding with no ill effects, or can be forced into the limited number of meetings that are mandated before a wedding is expected.

As we find with so many aspects of this society, there is little allowance for individual needs and timetables. Those who don’t fit well into the one-size-fits-all approach will have many problems, and will be considered defective for having these problems.

The intense formality and veil of secrecy emphasize the notions that dating is inherently “bad,” a necessary evil that must be minimized and kept private as much as possible. This encourages singles to only agree to date someone who has been thoroughly “checked out” to avoid “wasting time,” but this process is only as good as the filters that are used and the people who are doing the filtering. Neither deserve the great trust they are given.

This also ensures that people will meet based strictly on checklists and prefabricated, narcissistic requirements. In real life, relationships do not succeed or fail based on such things, yet in this search for the most important relationship the “Torah protector” society relies almost exclusively on criteria that are irrelevant at best and often misleading.

We have heard from countless couples the same thing: “No one would have thought of setting us up, but we are just right for one another.” We have heard from countless singles the same thing: “We were perfect on paper, but the date was horrible.”

Micromanaging every aspect of the process guarantees that many people who should meet each other never will. It also leads to more bad decision making than it will ever prevent, because the system itself actually encourages it. Rather than preventing young people from “falling in love with the wrong person,” it drives young people to marry someone they have little emotion for, do not know beyond a fabricated layer, and have chosen based largely on irrelevant criteria.

Patchwork solutions: Attempting to tinker with and fine-tune the process. Research singles a little more thoroughly; devise more clever questions to ask in the research process; devise more clever ways to test singles on dates; allow singles to meet a fourth or fifth time if they still “aren’t sure”; trust the shadchan even more; don’t worry about it and just trust in Hashem to make it all okay.

More of the same = more of the same.

Go off script and buy the complete EndTheMadness eBook for only $9.99 here.

Limited copies are available in Israel for 70 shekels. Contact me directly to purchase this and my other books at weissmans@protonmail.com.