Transcending Cultish Thinking, and The EndTheMadness Label Lexicon
Plus the Archetype of a Jewish Wife and Mother
In this week’s Torah class we studied the carefully balanced essence of a Jewish wife and mother, based our very first role model: Sarah Imenu. Not surprisingly, what the Torah and Chazal teach us differs sharply from secular Western ideology (much of which has deeply infiltrated even the most “frum” circles), and what young women entering the shidduch world are likely to hear from teachers, mentors, and coaches, whose sources of “wisdom” are often dubious.
As always, we need to be less concerned with social pressure, stop taking things for granted, actually learn, think for ourselves, and ask penetrating questions when something doesn’t seem to fit with what the Torah teaches. The worst case scenario is that, instead of just doing things a certain way because “everybody does it”, we will become more informed and have a deeper understanding of ourselves and the choices we make.
Seriously, when did it become forbidden to ask questions? When did it become forbidden to ask questions and then continue to question the answers if they don’t seem to add up? That’s not rebelliousness; that’s learning.
We should stop assuming that the status quo is what it is because very smart and holy people took everything into account and made it this way. We should think about why we believe what we believe, and why we do what we do, as opposed to believing and doing other things. Is it simply an accident of birth? Is it simply a matter of social convenience? Is it simply a matter of blind trust in some authority figure?
Shouldn’t we be able to provide truly thoughtful, substantive answers to people outside our little club, to our children, and even to ourselves?
Why do we all have to choose some box, a quasi-religious social cult, and then forever after just fall into line?
I couldn’t care less about the color and fabric of your yarmulke, or whether you wear a hat. I care what’s going on inside your head. And so should you.
It’s high time we transcended the boxes, labels, color war, slogans, and shallow talking points. We are supposed to be a wise and understanding people, not a nation of clones and drones, differing mainly on to whom we outsource our critical thinking, while hoping and assuming these people will never steer us wrong, let alone betray us.
So how do the Torah and Chazal depict the archetype of a Jewish wife and mother? How is that depiction similar and different to what we see today? What changes do we need to make in our education and our society to better emulate our role models?
The class is filled with lessons on the dynamics between a husband and wife, modesty, the secret of youth, Avraham’s relationship with Yishmael, the connection between Sarah’s death and the Shofar blasts, and more. It is embedded above and on Rumble here.
In light of my recent criticisms of cultish thinking (an oxymoron) within the various segments of the Orthodox Jewish world (forget about the rest of the world), once again I present “The EndTheMadness Label Lexicon”. This is excerpted from EndTheMadness Guide to the Shidduch World, my 2014 magnum opus on what’s wrong with the shidduch world, what needs to be done to fix it, and so much that relates to it in Jewish society (buy it for yourself and someone else).
Labels, boxes, and cultish falling into line are a great place to start.
The EndTheMadness Label Lexicon
In recognition of the fact that labels are deeply entrenched in the collective psyche of our community and that many people will insist on using them no matter how cogent the reasons otherwise, we have created a lexicon to help label-users understand each other. We offer this lexicon as a service to the community and for the entertainment of those who know better.
At EndTheMadness we believe subtle sarcasm and exaggeration are wonderful tools for highlighting absurdity and challenging preconceived notions in ways corporate politeness cannot. In other words, don’t think for one moment that we are serious about supporting the usage of labels.
It’s all a ruse.
Charedi
Literal definition is one who “trembles” before G–D. This label is meant to imply strict adherence to all details of the Torah. However, it is absolutely forbidden to apply this label to anyone who does not adhere to certain rigid social expectations, regardless of his level of piety. Hence, social expectations are more important to Charedim than piety.
For men this includes the following: Wearing a black hat as often as possible (the more often, the more Charedi), white dress shirt, black pants, and dress shoes. In Charedi communities that permit the wearing of ties, this is the main expression of individuality in dress (but don’t get carried away with it). Black yarmulke only (a chic Charedi will have the yarmulke sliding out the back of his hat just to prove that he is wearing it, even though the yarmulke is normally worn on top of the head). Please note that every aspect of one’s appearance down to the watch, cufflinks, and haircut is covered in the social code, but this is a lexicon, not an encyclopedia.
The main criteria for identifying with the Charedi community (which can be highly advantageous for purposes of shidduchim or marketing) is to wear a black hat. People who wish to enter this community officially cross the line when they perform this rite of passage. (It has therefore become customary for boys to begin wearing a black hat for the first time when they become Bar Mitzva, even if the hat looks like a spaceship swallowing up their tiny head.) A proper Charedi man would sooner enter shul without his Tallis and Tefillin than without his hat. (Some Chassidic sects distinguish themselves with non-black yarmulkes and unusual hats, but Chassidim can get away with lots of weird things that regular Charedim cannot.)
Of course, to be a true Charedi includes not just the hat, but the programming beneath it. A true Charedi believes that he is an authentic replica of a holy Jew from the shtetl, where the Torah was given. Those who do not dress and think like him are in the employ of Satan, or like a child who has been kidnapped by the goyim and doesn’t know any better. They are to be pitied, feared, and scorned.
A true Charedi attaches himself to a rabbi who is presumed to be saintly and incapable of error. The rabbi is to be consulted for all matters, and his words considered prophecy. They refer to this as “Da’as Torah.” In reality, “Da’as Torah” is a party line and a propaganda tool, for Charedim smoke without shame, surf the Internet, and pretty much do whatever they want in their private lives regardless of rabbinic proclamations. Charedim have no shortage of opinions and personal practices that they have not cleared with “Da’as Torah.” However, a true Charedi knows to say the right thing, fall into line at the right time, and always keep up the appearance of a holy, trembling Jew.
In matters of Jewish law a true Charedi considers any leniency, no matter how appropriate and well-supported, to be a compromise. Charedim do not compromise. Hence, Charedim will always take the strictest possible approach to everything, and find no greater joy than implementing a new way to be strict and telling others about it.
There are many splinter groups under the general umbrella of Charedim and they strive with one another for pre-eminence in the Charedi world. The groups distinguish themselves primarily by differences in how they wear their hat, hairstyles, and other modes of dress, and by rival kashrus organizations. These details may seem trivial to the uninitiated, but true Charedim understand that they make all the difference.
Other marks of distinction:
- Charedim typically scorn education and scientific knowledge as the domain of heretics, yet delight in picking up random bits of information that the secular world knew years ago.
- Charedim scorn working for a living as beneath holy protectors of the Torah such as them and profess to idealize a life of poverty. One who works for a living is derided as “not cut out for learning.” In spite of this, Charedim worship money, particularly when it comes to shidduchim.
- Charedim scorn the State of Israel because they cannot legitimize a Jewish State that is not controlled by them.
- Charedim have mastered the art of deriding and even entirely disqualifying non-Charedim without explicitly stating that Charedim are the only legitimate expression of Judaism (which they do believe). For example, they will say:
- “All the Gedolim…” when they refer exclusively to Charedi rabbis, thus implying that only a Charedi can be a Gadol. (For example, if asked why he wears a black hat a Charedi will likely say “All the Gedolim wear a black hat,” when he would never accept as a Gadol anyone who doesn’t wear one.) Indeed, Charedim do not place any value on the Torah teachings or opinions of rabbis who do not identify as Charedi. A monk is just as significant.
- “The Yeshiva world…” when they refer exclusively to Charedi yeshivas.
- “The frum world…” when they refer exclusively to Charedi society.
- “A frum Jew…” when they refer to exclusively to a Charedi Jew.
- “A Torah home…” when they refer exclusively to a Charedi home
- Charedim engage in censorship and historical revision to cover up any evidence that Charedim used to be more open-minded than they are today. Evidence that a Charedi Gadol is imperfect or ever said or did anything that is inconsistent with Charedi policy is given similar treatment. Charedi policy does not bend for truth; truth gives way to Charedi policy.
Modern Orthodox
An oxymoron. The Modern Orthodox believe that the Torah expects one to be “modern,” yet “Orthodox” alone does not suffice for them.
The Modern Orthodox are infatuated with trying to define what it means to be Modern Orthodox and why it is so virtuous. They write entire books on the subject, bring together panels of academics to discuss it, and obsess over “the future of Modern Orthodoxy.” It seems there is something greater here that they are trying to protect, greater than Judaism itself, than Torah itself.
One can only hope they figure out what this is exactly.
We hear dire warnings that Modern Orthodoxy is “shifting to the right,” or “shifting to the left,” or that it is disappearing altogether. The Modern Orthodox struggle with a communal identity crisis, a dichotomy, a weltanschauung of its own weltanschauung, mutatis mutandis, or perhaps not. The Modern Orthodox are confused about who they are, and they wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s part of what it means to be Modern Orthodox.
They may struggle to define themselves, but we are happy to do it for them.
Whereas a Charedi man who “makes it” is a Gadol Hador with “Da’as Torah,” a Modern Orthodox man who “makes it” is a Rabbi Doctor who publishes scholarly articles in academic journals. When teaching Torah he must make reference to numerous secular sources to show that he is enlightened. Spiritual relevance is unnecessary and even discouraged. Modern Orthodox are leery of spirituality, favoring intellectualism, and indeed are comfortable with spirituality only when it comes to intellectualizing it. They believe scholarly analysis of Judaism is the same as Torah study, if not preferable.
Not surprisingly, the Modern Orthodox community tends to be short on spirituality. They create think tanks to publish scholarly articles on the topic as we would expect them to do. But the truth is, as we noted before, that they are leery of spirituality. Spirituality threatens much of what the Modern Orthodox strive for in this world: the snooty educational credentials, the impressive career, the big bucks, the fancy home in the suburbs, the luxury car, expensive vacations.
This is why Modern Orthodoxy is constantly shifting this way or that. Some become more spiritual — “shift to the right”— and ultimately become Charedi, who successfully promote themselves as spiritual even if it’s mostly for show. Many others do like the goyim do, retaining only marginal affiliation to a proper Torah lifestyle. It is common for Modern Orthodox people to swing back and forth, unable to find a clear path.
[continued]
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