PURIM Spoof on NIBIRU

This is a clever spoof for PURIM on the buzz going around about NIBIRU. A commenter on ShiratDevorah posted this LINK.

Megillas Estheroid

According to many opinions, this is the time of [3600] year[s] that we should be reading Megillas Estheroid. This Megillah was discovered very recently and translated from the Sumerian cuneiform by HaKofer Harav Zecharia Sitchin, Alav Hacheshbon, also known as the Chozeh Kochavim M’Lundin and the mechaber sefer Planet Shteim Esreh – Mi Yodeah. (Also the inventor of the “Sitchin Comet-T”).

According to Reb Zecharia, A”H, there is an additional planet in the solar system which he calls the 12th planet with about seven moons. He says that the ancient Sumerians called it “Niburu”. Others call it “Planet X” in reference to the tenth planet (after Pluto) and some call it Planet IX (Nine) since Pluto was downgraded from a planet to a Disney cartoon character. Even others call it Planet 7X (just to be different, I guess). Some call it the “Dark star”. Some call it a star, some call it a planet, some call it a comet and some call it an asteroid. Whatever it is, this heavenly body is supposed to have a mass ten times that of planet Earth.

It supposed to be just now circling the sun and is right next to it which makes it all but impossible to see with the naked eye. It doesn’t come out at night.

This planet does not orbit in a circle like the rest of the planets but rather in an elliptical (egg shaped) orbit and it takes about 3600 years to pass near our planet Earth. The Orbital ring is full of asteroids and meteors and also leaves a trail of breath mints.

When it does pass near Earth, its tremendous gravitational pull will cause havoc on Earth. There will be heightened seismic and volcanic activity (earthquakes and eruptions), polar shifts and meltdowns which will raise the sea levels and tsunamis. Not the best time to vacation in Hawaii!

It is also predicted that when this “Dark star” passes between the Earth and the sun, it will cause a prolonged eclipse with EMP failures that will put us in a state of darkness (Makkas Choshech) and purify us from the Internet. Some say this will last three days, some say 2 weeks and the Zohar says 40 days. Have plenty of extra candles around!

Finally we will have the privilege of viewing a magnificent meteor shower which will knock most of world – and the Azrieli towers - to smithereens. Put on your 3-D glasses!

This may all sound like science fiction except that there are references in no less than four places in the Zohar to a great star – with seven moons - that will come and cause wars and darkness! This will be HKBH’s instrument to seek vengeance upon the wicked of the Earth. The Zohar repeatedly references the pasuk stated by Bilaam in his Acharis Hayamim prophecy: דרך כוכב מיעקב – a great star will set a path from Yaakov – וקם שבט מישראל – a rod will arise from Yisroel. This is taken as a reference to what we call a כוכב שביט - a Comet!

Hence, many want to claim that Niburu was also the instrument to bring about the Great Flood (warning! - this is a X-tian source) in its previous orbit – although that was closer to 4100 years ago. This may explain why the Dor Haflaga tried to claim that after every set time interval – they claimed it was 1656 years – the sky collapses and destroys the Earth. Maybe they were only half-wrong!

There are also many references to this in Megillas Estheroid. For instance:

· Nobody can really see it with the naked eye (yet). It is hidden – הסתיר אסתיר.

· Nobody knows its real name or nationality.

· Queen Estheroid says: לך כנוס את כל היהודים... וצומו עלי ואל יאכלו ואל ישתו שלשה ימים. This is a clear reference to the advice of the autistics who say that when this planet comes, all the Jews should go into their houses and lock themselves up for the three days (or two weeks) until it passes and do teshuva and daven to HKBH to be saved. If you don’t stock up some food you will definitely have to fast for three days and nights!

· ונוח בארבעה עשר – A clear reference that this happened as well in the time of Noach!

· וישם המלך ... מס על הארץ ואיי הים – This means that the planet will have a tremendous mass that will cause earthquakes on land and tsunamis in the sea.

· And finally – Mordechai is called מור דרור which has a targum of מרי דכי . The second word דכ"י stands for דרך כוכב מ-יעקב!

When is all this supposed to happen? In the end of days!

According to our autistic brethren and Rav Michael Glazerson, this is sometime in 5776. According op Reb Zecharia, A”H, the Earth should begin to cross the Orbital path of Niburu starting on March 26, 2016.

That’s tomorrow (gulp)!

So, in order that we should be prepared for this momentous event, the Hirshman family has prepared for you a sumptuous Mishloach Manos that is out of this world. It contains:

· A miniature rocket powered by solar grape juice (Bottle of Grape juice)

· A bright orange clementine sun – with real sun spots! (Tangerine)

· A miniature (candy) comet – Kochav Shavit (Lollipop)

· Dark Star cookies (Cookies)

· Moon-cakes (Cupcakes with candy stras on it)

· The Orbit trail of breath mints (Orbit Breath Mints)

· Star-kissed tsunami salad (Starkist Tuna Salad)

· A detailed map of the solar system (A napkin with stars, planets and spaceships on it)

· Igerret HaKochav with some of the fascinating references from the Navi and Zohar.



May we all be zocheh to see the Ohr Haganuz, בב"א.